I will never get to talk to my biological mother again.
I have often thought about this day. If it would come.
I have looked for her. On the internet of course.
I have looked for her passed on parents.
They don't want to be found.
I like to think the good Lord in all his goodness is protecting me and my siblings from more pain than our hearts and minds can take.
After the last search I tried I thought...
Would I really want to sit down over a glass of iced tea and ask her "Why"?
No. I hold no interest in this anymore.
I think the question I would ask is more of "How" than "Why".
After 36 years, I have decided I don't care anymore.
This is a part of my life many do not venture into and I don't let them into it very easily.
Some pry at the door but years of brick and mortar keep it well guarded.
My husband used to pull once in a while at the door knob, but has given up years ago.
I don't think anyone understands the "How" of it.
When I do get asked, people think they understand.
I usually just smile and ask them what makes them think that.
Then the questions come, I feel them pulling at that door.
I give them answers, but just the programed ones I have learned to use long ago.
My favorite statement is "Oh I'm sorry Vern."
Sorry for what?
For the fact that I am a normal functioning human being?
Its not unheard of to turn out "normal" by going through such adversity.
I am a stronger woman and mother not because of her but inspite of her.
My son and daughter will be better parents because of me being so strong for them.
However, I am tired of being haunted by memories I wish you could erase.
I will never get the opportunity to chat with my biological mother, but you know what?
That is just fine with me.
It would have just wasted a good glass of tea.
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2 comments:
I think it is wondeful that after 36 years you have accepted it. You are right, you are a strong woman inspite of her & you are a great role model to your children.
hi vern
great of you to be so brave. i'm sure it has made you a better mother, and taught your children the value of that.
my hubby's two siblings are adopted. and one of them found their biological mother, the other never really put any true effort into looking. to be honest the answers to "how" and "why" may simply not satisfy you. finding a person who is your blood and who some may think you should have a bond with seems very awkward and then you have got to struggle to make sense of it all after the 36 years of wondering. so then if you did meet and waste a cup of ice tea, you might very well have another 36 years of wondering left to come.
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