My Totem Pole ~ Blog Building Challenge #3

Since this challenge has been posted I have thought long and hard about it.
I researched totem poles and learned so much.
Being part Native American, it gave me a glimps into my very distance relatives.

My totem pole would resemble my life up to this point.
At the bottom would be a small Killer Whale, which is me (the oldest). There would also be two cubs. My brother to my right (middle child) and my sister (the youngest) to my left. They are so significant because being the oldest I have always tried to protect them. Next up would be a Dragon Fly. It would represent the changes we three would go thru when my dad remarried. Next would be a the symbol of a Halibut. This is John. The Halibut represents Life Protector, Strength and Stability. Next would be two Wolf Cubs. They represent Steven and Jordan. Next is a Beaver, which represents Creativity, Artistic and Determined. The last part of my totem pole would be me, an Eagle this time, on top with wings stretched to the heavens releasing two butterflies. One would be out off my wing as one still rests there. The Sun would be shining behind me. It represents a new day and the changes I have coming in my life.

I thought about what a personal totem pole for who I see myself as would look like.
It would start at the bottom with a Killer Whale, then have a Dragon Fly, a Dog Fish, a Hummingbird, a Bear and at the top, an Eagle.

Each of these symbols represent who I see myself to be.
The Killer Whale represents a Traveler & Guardian.
The Dragon Fly is an Ever Changing Life.
The DogFish is Persistance & Strength.
The Hummingbird is Love, Beauty, Intelligence and Spirit Messenger.
The Bear is Strength, Learned Humility (still working on that), Motherhood and Teaching.
Lastly, the Eagle represents Great Strength, Leadership and Prestige.

This was an interesting veiw of how the Spirits of the earth who guard & protect us see me and my family.

Coming Undone

I love this song.
The words seem to resinate in my head.
The video is aswesome.

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me

That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

[Chorus]
Wait
I'm coming undone
Irate
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate

Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

[Chorus]

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better

[Chorus]

My favorite and least favorite foods

This is a hard one and an easy one at the same time.
My favorite food.....

Anything I don't have to cook basically.
I like to eat out.
I like to eat at nicer restaurants which is a trait we have passed on to our children.
The UpStream in Omaha is one of my favorites.
The food is always outstanding and they make their own beer.
That is dear husbands favorite part. We know the brewmaster personally.
I also like going to any Mexican restaurant, as long as its authentic.
No Taco Bell. No Taco Johns.
No fast food Mexican or burger joints for this chick.
The Nachos Grande, as they are called here, are the best.
If I had an endless stomach, and wouldn't gain 500 pounds, I could eat them all the time.
I guess I would have to say Mexican is tops on my favorite list.

My least favorite food is green peas.
Any kind of peas as a matter of fact.
They are just disgusting to me.
I have had them shoved down my throat when I was younger by my own sister.
My mother in law makes layered lettuce salad and I get teased by my husband and other in laws about the peas that are in a nice thick layer.
I never take any because of the peas.
Even if I pick them out, I can still taste them.
I plant peas in containers and grow them on the deck for my kids to eat fresh.
They can have peas for with a meal as long as I am gone for the weekend and the smell is out of the house.
I guess I am as disgusted with peas as others are with liver and onions.
There is another food I cannot stand and absolutely refuse to make.

I will never get to...

I will never get to talk to my biological mother again.

I have often thought about this day. If it would come.
I have looked for her. On the internet of course.
I have looked for her passed on parents.
They don't want to be found.
I like to think the good Lord in all his goodness is protecting me and my siblings from more pain than our hearts and minds can take.
After the last search I tried I thought...
Would I really want to sit down over a glass of iced tea and ask her "Why"?
No. I hold no interest in this anymore.
I think the question I would ask is more of "How" than "Why".
After 36 years, I have decided I don't care anymore.

This is a part of my life many do not venture into and I don't let them into it very easily.
Some pry at the door but years of brick and mortar keep it well guarded.
My husband used to pull once in a while at the door knob, but has given up years ago.
I don't think anyone understands the "How" of it.
When I do get asked, people think they understand.
I usually just smile and ask them what makes them think that.
Then the questions come, I feel them pulling at that door.
I give them answers, but just the programed ones I have learned to use long ago.
My favorite statement is "Oh I'm sorry Vern."
Sorry for what?
For the fact that I am a normal functioning human being?
Its not unheard of to turn out "normal" by going through such adversity.
I am a stronger woman and mother not because of her but inspite of her.
My son and daughter will be better parents because of me being so strong for them.

However, I am tired of being haunted by memories I wish you could erase.

I will never get the opportunity to chat with my biological mother, but you know what?
That is just fine with me.

It would have just wasted a good glass of tea.