I will never get to...

I will never get to talk to my biological mother again.

I have often thought about this day. If it would come.
I have looked for her. On the internet of course.
I have looked for her passed on parents.
They don't want to be found.
I like to think the good Lord in all his goodness is protecting me and my siblings from more pain than our hearts and minds can take.
After the last search I tried I thought...
Would I really want to sit down over a glass of iced tea and ask her "Why"?
No. I hold no interest in this anymore.
I think the question I would ask is more of "How" than "Why".
After 36 years, I have decided I don't care anymore.

This is a part of my life many do not venture into and I don't let them into it very easily.
Some pry at the door but years of brick and mortar keep it well guarded.
My husband used to pull once in a while at the door knob, but has given up years ago.
I don't think anyone understands the "How" of it.
When I do get asked, people think they understand.
I usually just smile and ask them what makes them think that.
Then the questions come, I feel them pulling at that door.
I give them answers, but just the programed ones I have learned to use long ago.
My favorite statement is "Oh I'm sorry Vern."
Sorry for what?
For the fact that I am a normal functioning human being?
Its not unheard of to turn out "normal" by going through such adversity.
I am a stronger woman and mother not because of her but inspite of her.
My son and daughter will be better parents because of me being so strong for them.

However, I am tired of being haunted by memories I wish you could erase.

I will never get the opportunity to chat with my biological mother, but you know what?
That is just fine with me.

It would have just wasted a good glass of tea.